Tees Maar Khan

Genre: Comedy

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Credited cast:

Akshay Kumar ... Tabrez mirza Khan aka Tees Maar Khan

Akshaye Khanna... Atish Kapoor

Katrina Kaif ... Anya

Raghu Ram, Rajiv Laxman... Johri brothers

Sanjay Dutt ... Narrator

Original music ... Vishal Dadlani (as Vishal)Shekhar Ravjiani (as Shekhar)

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Before I began to write this review, I was hoping to actually end 2010 on a very positive note. Let me put it bluntly that all my hopes were dashed when I watched this movie because it was a very poorly executed version of any comedy movie in Bollywood - mainstream or otherwise - for as long as my memory takes me. If you had a handycam, and went about shooting scenes during a train ride from Bandra to Churchgate, you would probably make a better movie by editing it a bit naming it "Tees minute ka Story".

High hopes rested on Farah Khan's shoulders since her last release (Om Shanti Om) which was bolstered by ShahRukh Khan and a very average cast otherwise. Farah probably wanted to break the mold of being a SRK-dependent director. Unfortunately, she fails miserably and falls flat on her face. Anyway, back to the movie.

The movie starts out with some bizzare animations that seek to highlight how Tabrez Mirza Khan (Akshay Kumar, last seen on the streets of Pali Hill looking for comedy tutors) took up the name of "Tees Maar Khan" (self-christened, of course. TMK, in slang language, means a very overly smart person). TMK apparently got his training right from the time he was in his mother's womb when she was obsessively watching all cop/gangster movies, a la Abhimanyu from the epic Mahabharata. The credits break away and show TMK being caught in Paris and being deported by two bumbling agents for the Indian secret service who have a very strong "tendency" towards each other. Giving them the slip, he then gets contacted by the Johri brothers (Raghu Ram and Rajiv Laxman, of MTV Roadies fame) who are after a train-load of gold and ancient artifacts that are being transported to Delhi.

I do want to mention that Anya (Katrina Kaif) does appear in between strutting her stuff, but doing nothing more. Luckily for the tortured viewers, "Sheila ki jawaani" - the most awaited item song for this month - shows up in the first 15 minutes and we could have easily walked out. It was only the unavoidable ignominy of having spent between 200 INR to 500 INR (depending on where in the world you see it) trapped us in watching it till the complete end. The rest of the movie has Anya screaming her throat out in her half-anglo Indian accent not knowing what else she needs to do. It might have helped dubbing her voice, but not enough to get my money's worth - sorry. Mentioning Anya in any other paragraph is a waste of time, for me and you.

TMK is also surrounding by his three irritating cronies who seek to boost the sagging crescendo of the movie by repeating pathetic dialogues like "Khanon ka Khan - Tees Maar Khan". This is further not helped with TMK himself touting his escapability by repetitive blurbs of seemingly pathetic comparisons, which I won't repeat here to make the reading easier. Of course, there are numerous jabs on various actors, especially SRK, with references to "Mannat" (SRK's bunglow is named that) and the above mentioned dialogue - to name a few. About 30 minutes into the movie, these take up more than 50% of the entire set of spoken sentences and that's when you realize the combination of your husband (Shirish Kunder) writing the dialogues, copying the movie from an old Italian flop move ("After the Fox") and raising three kids is just a recipe that comes close to disaster. I'm hoping this will give Farah a chance to spend more time with her kids at home and re-think on how to get her mojo back. (Hint, hint: Don't fight with SRK).

Enter Atish Kapoor (Akshaye Khanna, probably the only saving grace of the movie), who plays on over-the-top actor with an obsessive compulsive disorder for winning an Oscar. Outdone by Anil Kapoor who won it for "Dumbdog Millionaire" (not a typo, that's the changed name in the movie), Atish is ready to do anything to get the coveted statuette. TMK uses this to his advantage and gets Atish to agree and star in his fake movie, to be used as a ploy to get Atish and a set of unsuspecting villagers to intercept the train carrying the loot of costly artifacts. Akshaye Khanna stands out in this insipid production and gives a performance that has been a good characteristic of every comedy movie that he has been part of in recent times. I just hopes he gets a better supporting case the next time on.

What happens next is as confusing as identifying the parts of a frog that has just been in a blender. It ends with a courtroom drama, the release of the "fake" movie which was shot during the unsuccessful heist and the eventual realization of Atish's dream to win the Oscar! It may sound like a great ending, but the editing is so poor and the flow from one scene to the other so abrupt that before you realize it, you are cringing in your seats like a teenager ready for a dose of rabies shots in your stomach.

At that moment, I felt that we should have left not just our brains at home, but our wallets as well. Now, I'm a huge fan of Govinda and movies that don't want us to use our neurons much, but there has to be a basic requirement set for the quality of jokes in a comedy movie. Story or not, good jokes can make a movie run for months together - that was what David Dhawan specialized in. Farah has probably stayed alongside her yes-men (or women) too long for her to realize that comedy is all about making people you have never met before laugh, and not just the coterie around you. Realization, when it dawns, is a beautiful surprise.

If you were looking to have a good time and discuss the wonderful scenes of the movie long after you watch it - I would not recommend TMK. If you are looking for breaking the walls of your house and want to mentally disorient yourself, then this is a great way to waste your precious time and money. TMK might end up making the money it put into producing it, but it will remain etched in the watchers' memory for all the wrong reasons. I came home and watched RGV's "Aag" to make me forget TMK; hopefully you will find a better alternative!